


Fallin' again, I need a pick-me-up

by LANDOSCALRISIAN



Category: Community (TV)
Genre: Anxiety, Gen, Implied/Referenced Alcohol Abuse/Alcoholism, Intrusive Thoughts, Jeff Winger Has Issues, Not Beta Read, Panic Attacks, mentions of drowning (metaphorically), sorry if any character is out of character pls, that fic you write when you are projecting into one chatacter, this is mostly a vent but i liked to share it with y'all
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2021-01-10
Updated: 2021-01-10
Packaged: 2021-03-10 21:47:52
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 1
Words: 1,366
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/28084179
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/LANDOSCALRISIAN/pseuds/LANDOSCALRISIAN
Summary: Jeff feels like his falling, drowning in a constant sea of thoughts, and that no one is going to pick him up. Or so he thought.
Relationships: Abed Nadir & Jeff Winger
Kudos: 15





	Fallin' again, I need a pick-me-up

**Author's Note:**

> the tittle is from _the beach by the neighbourhood_

He wasn’t a lonely person, by far, he was surrounded by a bunch of misfits that loved him and cared about him and sometimes that same love and care were overwhelming at times. Other days it didn’t feel like there was someone there for him. As if he was all alone in the world, only him and his constant insecurities, only him and his constant doubts about himself. He hated it. So he often hid his feelings away, bottling them up in different boxes and bottles, putting his most charming persona on for his friends and others, and he often tried to help every single one of his friends even though he feels like he’s constantly drowning in a sea of his own repressed emotions. 

It helps not thinking about himself and his issues when he is with the study group, and maybe they notice the way that he often changes the subject when someone asks about him, how he never says how he is doing but rather asks the others this stuff, or how he is sometimes happy and caring or mean and angry and this all sucks. It sucks feeling all alone when he is surrounded by people, especially people that show their love for him. If they notice any of this they don’t mention it. 

And Jeff just feels all alone, as if he was the only person left in the world, like if he fell no one would be there to catch him. His thoughts coming in like waves and waves pushing the boxes and bottles side to side, and he is drowning in them and fast. All of these thoughts going too fast and he can’t swim in the sea, he’s drowning and he can’t breathe. He is actually drowning the air can’t reach his lungs everything looks blurry and he feels like he is drowning in a tunnel. He’s having a panic attack and he doesn’t know what to do, he’s all alone with no one to catch him as he falls and keeps falling until he reaches the end.

He finally starts to breathe again when he feels something running through his hands. His hand was bleeding from how hard he was holding onto his keys as if they were the only thing keeping him afloat. As he slowly became more aware of his surroundings, he was in his apartment holding his keys, next to the sofa in his living room. His head still felt a little dizzy, as if he was still floating on water. It took a while for his head to calm down and to finally feel as if he was on the ground not floating away in the sea.

He had come home from a study session with his friends, his family, the study group, he had felt like his head was underwater the whole day and he was barely holding it together in the study group, constantly snapping at his friends for the bare minimum and just ignoring them when they tried to talk to him. It wasn’t that much of a surprise that after feeling like a cup full to its brim it all spill over the floor like a never-stopping wave. He checked his hand to see if he hadn’t hurt it that bad with the keys. After leaving his keys in the bowl next to the door of his apartment and went straight to the bathroom to get it clean and to bandage it. He looked at himself in the mirror, feeling a little weird seeing his reflection. He opened the cabinet where he kept the first aid kit and after washing his had started to bandage it. After making sure it wouldn’t just start bleeding again. Maybe it was that the pain of opening his palm or just the need to get a drink that was making him dizzy again. He knew it wasn’t either of those things he just felt so alone in the world as if no matter how much people were around him he would always be alone. And he couldn’t believe the kind words of affection and love that his friends constantly told him when his brain was screaming at him that they would all leave him as his dad did. But how could he tell his friends that he loved so much that he didn’t believe all the words they told him, that his love language was not words, but spending time with them and getting physical touch from them. He knew that it was his brain messing with him again but he just couldn’t believe words anymore not since his dad told him he was coming back and never did, so instead of believing in words he used them to sell lies and just make people believe them but he never did.

To say he was falling was true, he was falling into a hole he himself had helped dig a long time ago and he was so scared of asking for help after he put himself in that position, and apparently, non of his friends had cared enough to even bother an ask if he needed help, so his brain made the connection that they didn’t care about him. He got so in his head that he didn’t hear when the door was opened. He fell to the floor slowly trying to catch a breath that suddenly he realized he was missing. He heard someone calling him from the distance but he couldn’t tell where the voice was coming from, he was falling farther away and now was going to pick him up. It was until a pair of hands were on his back that he realized that he wasn’t alone, someone was there with him. The person was taking big dramatic breaths to make his breathing normal.

When his breathing finally calmed down he took his head out of his hand to see the person. He was a little surprised to find Abed looking down at him with full concern in his eyes and Jeff couldn’t just keep hiding this from Abed after he helped him get thru the worst. But something in him told him to run and run far, far away from here to where no one knew him, where he could start fresh with all his feelings safely kept inside lil boxes and bottles but it was too late and he knew that. For once Jeff was lost for words. 

He quickly looked away from Abed’s eyes that were showing so many emotions, it was something Jeff never got the opportunity to see until now. 

“Jeff bottling your feelings like that is kinda unhealthy, especially if you aren’t seeing a doctor or talking to your friends.”

“How do you know I’m not going to therapy anymore?”

“I tend to notice things, Jeff, notably if it starts to affect the dynamic in the group. You constantly ignoring when we talk to you, or when you keep changing the topic when we try to see what’s going on in your life. You know you can always talk to us, we care about you Jeff, even if we don’t show it.”

“That’s the problem Abed, you all care but don’t actually show it. You keep saying you do, but I don’t believe you. Words lie, Abed. For fucks sake I lied every day when I was a lawyer, I know words don’t mean shit. Sometimes just a fucking hug can mean more than ten thousand words.” He didn’t mean to say any of that but after months, hell years, of keeping all of this bottle up that it was starting to come out. And he couldn’t dare to look in Abed’s eyes, scared of what he might see. So to say Jeff was surprised when Abed wrapped his arms around him was an understatement. Abed wasn’t fond of people touching him so that he started this meant so much more and Jeff didn’t know if to hug him back or just let Abed hug him.

“You can hug me, Jeff.” 

Jeff didn’t hesitate and let himself cry with Abed holding him, not letting him fall into the deep sea of his mind.


End file.
